Inside Out Read online

  “Tracey, listen. I see you almost every day out there on the lawn with your girlfriends, and there’s always some guy or some guys standing there talking to you, looking at you the way I look at you. I can’t stand it. I know that some of them probably put the moves on you, and it just drives me crazy.”

  “What are you saying? I mean, guys always hit on girls.”

  “Including Dr. Burke? It looks like he’s got more on his mind than Legal Action in Labor Disputes.”

  Why, oh why, was it so obvious to everyone in the world that Alex was interested in her? Tracey hadn’t noticed any real change in his behavior when he was around her. He hadn’t once offered to do her thesis for her, which certainly would have been an excellent come-on. At dinner that same night she saw Garrett at the movies, Alex hadn’t so much as tried to hold her hand. She wouldn’t have let him, but he didn’t even try. The majority of their conversations revolved around what was happening at school. Granted, he held her coat for her, opened the door for her, and afforded her the random long look, but it all just seemed routine. To Tracey, he just seemed like a really nice, somewhat lonely man, despite going out to dinner with a female student.

  “Whatever, Garrett,” she gasped. She wished she could come up with something wittier.

  “It’s true, Tracey. I saw you at Rachel’s.”

  “You saw me at Rachel’s when?”

  “That doesn’t matter, but I saw you and Burke having dinner at Rachel’s. I could tell it wasn’t just business just by the dress you were wearing.”

  “Since I’ve had dinner alone with Alexander exactly once, I can only assume that the time you saw me with him at Rachel’s was the night before you came over and forced yourself on me.”

  “When did he become ‘Alexander’?”

  “Don’t worry about it. My question is this: Did you come back after those two weeks just because you saw me having dinner with Alex?”

  “Oh, it’s ‘Alex’ now, is it? You don’t even call me Rett.”

  “Do not change the subject, Garrett! I asked you a question. Does ‘I couldn’t stay away from you’ really equal ‘I couldn’t stay away from you if somebody else might want you’?”

  “Jesus, Tracey!”

  “Answer me!”

  “I didn’t have to be jealous of Burke to come back to you. But, yeah, I wanted to know why you were dressing up for him like that.”

  “I wanted to.”

  “Why? You don’t show that much cleavage and leg even here, when we’re home. Did you plan on sleeping with him? I mean—”

  “What does it matter? You had a girlfriend. It’s not like—”

  “Tracey!” he growled at her. She jumped.

  “No, Garrett, I didn’t sleep with him, okay? I was mad at you for not coming around, and sure I wanted some male attention, but I didn’t have any interest in letting anything happen.”

  He was silent for a moment, then gave her a lopsided smile, “Hell yeah, I was jealous, baby. But I didn’t figure it was going anywhere. I saw you yawn that night and stare into a drink you never finished. I watched you giggle, and Tracey, you don’t giggle. You full out laugh, at least you do when you’re with me. I knew, sure as I’m sitting here, you weren’t going to sleep with him. I mighta been a little jealous, but I won’t worry about you and another man until that changes.”

  “You’re so cocky.”

  She put a hand over his mouth to prevent him from saying something perverted and incendiary. “I’m trying to figure out what your point is. If you’re so confident you’re the only person in the world I could be interested in—stupid, I know—then why would it matter if—”

  “It’s a man thing.” He chuckled and leaned over to kiss her.

  “Whatever that means.” Tracey rolled her eyes, trying to stop him from charming her out of her mood. He snuggled next to her in the bed but was pensive again. “I’m really just saying that…ah—” Garrett hardly ever had a problem saying what was on his mind. That worried her.

  “God,” she breathed, exasperated. “What is it, Garrett?”

  “I just want people to know.”

  Tracey had been walking underwater for those past few weeks. She was admiring the view, calm but holding her breath all the while. This was her inevitable resurfacing. She ran her tongue over the front of her teeth. “What’s to know?” she asked.

  “What I mean is that I don’t want to be strangers every time we leave this house. We spend all our time together; I practically live here. You are my best friend, Tracey. Besides, Angie knows and nothing terrible’s happened.”

  “Angie’s not like the rest of the world, obviously. You know that. She took care to give me a whole diatribe about that very fact the first night, remember? She doesn’t care. Apparently, she does and says whatever comes to mind and somehow seems to get away with it. We’re not like that.”

  “Yeah, but still, she knows.”

  Tracey swallowed hard, but could not rid herself of the guilt growing into a knot in the back of her throat. She wiped the sweat from her forehead. She was panicking, “What are you saying? What happened to ‘we won’t say anything; it’s our business’?”

  “That was just a ploy to get you into bed,” he said, laughing. She whacked him in the stomach. “I want us to be together. You know, not seeing anyone else, showing each other some respect. And I don’t want any other men wasting time with a woman who can’t stop thinking about me.”

  She punched him squarely in the chest. She did it again. She did it once more for good measure. Then she grabbed her mouth and ran.

  Tracey found herself in the bathroom losing every bit of food she’d had over the last couple of days. She heard him come to stand outside the door. “You could really wreak havoc on a man’s ego, you know.”

  “Oh, no! Not yours! It’s completely safe and sound,” she assured him. Tracey rinsed her mouth, brushed her teeth, and gripped the sheet around her body, which was suddenly cold. She opened the door. “You know, I haven’t been feeling too well for the past couple weeks. I’ve been on and off antibiotics since forever.”

  He drew her into his arms and held her. “I’ll take care of you, girl.”

  Tracey sighed at the way they fit, at the way he smelled, at the way when he held her; she felt like she had everything she ever wanted or would want in the world. “Do you think I could just have a little time? I promise it’ll happen, I just need some time.”

  “Okay, Trace,” he agreed. Tracey liked the way she could feel his voice when he held her, feel it come all the way up from within him. “Anything if you’ll just let me…” His voice trailed off but it wasn’t necessary for him to go on. He held her there forever.

  * * *

  It was about seven in the evening when Angie pulled into the drive behind trees that were still green in the middle of November. It had been easy enough to find the place after last night, even though she wouldn’t have been able to get in touch with her brother for directions even if she wanted to. He had left his cell phone in the car and he hadn’t been in too much of a mood for particulars the night before.

  She still couldn’t believe it, though she knew it was true. But still, not her brother. No, she wasn’t going to think about it. She was just going to see how things went down. Rett came out to meet her, then took the keys from her hands and settled in the driver’s seat while she got in on the other side. He didn’t say anything. Angie just waited, knowing that wouldn’t last long.

  “Angie…” Yep, she knew her brother. “I brought you here last night because—”

  “I know, I know. You brought me here because you thought she thought you were hiding her from me. You wanted to put her mind at ease. And I screwed it up.”

  “No,” he shook his head slowly. “You’re right so often you have no idea how to handle it when you’ve got it all wrong. I brought you here because I really care about her and I wanted you to get know her. Period.”

  “You wanted me to—” She cut her ow
n words off and frowned thoughtfully. “Rett, hon, I know we started talking about this last night, but if you’re this serious about her, that’s all the more reason why you want to think—”

  “I don’t care,” he answered solemnly.

  “What?”

  “I don’t care right now about what anyone thinks. I know what I want and I don’t care if anyone has a problem with it.”

  “You should care, Rett. That’s all I’m saying. And what if Momma and Dad—”

  “Dad knows.”

  “What?” Angie knew she didn’t just hear that.

  “He knows. Oh, we haven’t talked about it out loud or anything, but he knows.”

  “But not Momma.”

  “No, not Momma.”

  Angie didn’t say a word. Rett went on, “I just wanted you to get to know her, that’s all.”

  Oh no, brother, Angie thought, that’s not all.

  * * *

  “Angie, would you like something to drink?” Tracey offered.

  It was a few nights later and Angie had just gotten there with Garrett’s SUV. This time, she’d borrowed it to go home and pick up her futon. Tracey took the keys from her at the door and told her Rett was in the shower. Angie went on in, carrying a bag containing a burger and fries. She sat down in the living room without anybody inviting her. She figured since Tracey was so stiff, she probably wouldn’t have ever gotten around to it. In fact, Tracey seemed frustrated as Angie sat on the floor at the coffee table and made herself at home.

  “Yeah, what you got?” Angie asked.

  “Probably whatever you like.”

  Just at that moment, they both heard the bathroom door open in Tracey’s bedroom. Rett was singing. Since Tracey was sitting in the leather chair by the wall, she could see him down the hall before Angie did. She nearly choked when she saw him. She shrieked, “Rett! Angie’s here!”

  It took a second for him to appear. He peeked around the corner and grinned at his sister. She could see his wet hair as he came into the hallway wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

  “I just got here,” Angie answered, biting into her burger. “Besides, I was just about to get a drink before you came parading around, tackle out.”

  “I’ll go ahead and take her home soon as I get dressed, Tracey,” he said before he leaned down to give her a quick kiss.

  That was when Angie figured out what was eating Tracey. The chick didn’t want her there. Unfortunately, she hadn’t yet realized that Angie couldn’t leave any sooner, even if she wanted to. She had no way to get home. Apparently, Garrett mentioning it eased her tension some because she looked a lot less stricken and wasn’t staring at Angie as if she wanted to scream, “Interloper!”

  “No,” Tracey answered, surprising both Angie and her brother. “She can stay for a drink.”

  “How about a rum and coke,” Angie asked and stuck her tongue out at her brother.

  “Dark okay?” Tracey asked.

  “But of course,” Angie answered.

  Tracey started to get up, but Garrett stopped her. “I’ll get it, hon. What do you want?”

  “I’ll have the same.”

  He passed her and stroked her face.

  Angie felt as if she’d swallowed down the wrong pipe. There was her brother behaving like a sensitive, caring man again. Who knew he could do it?

  “You’re on the swim team, right?” Tracey asked her.

  “Yeah. And, since I am one of the few people on the team who is not an Olympic hopeful, I’ve found it best to just show up on time every day and keep real quiet.”

  “You’re capable of keeping real quiet?”

  Angie laughed, feeling that at last they were starting to warm up to each other. Then she remembered something. “Oh,” she yelped, finishing her burger and wiping her hands. She reached in her purse. “I have something for you.”

  It was a teeny tiny gift bag with delicate teal and lilac tissue peeking out from it. Inside was a silver coin charm. It was about an inch-wide circle with a fighting tiger embossed onto it. Tracey held it in her hand as if it were the most delicate something she’d ever seen. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Nothing, I saw it and thought of you,” Angie answered before starting in on her fries. Eating like that was going to totally mess up her training.

  “I don’t think I can accept this. I mean—”

  “Think of it as an apology for our rocky start the other night and, well, rocky times to come. You know, I have a problem thinking before I speak.”

  “Think so?”

  “Sarcasm.” Angie smirked wickedly. “I like it.”

  Rett sauntered back in, still wearing his towel, and handed Angie her drink. She sipped liberally. After swallowing she closed her eyes and licked her lips, then let out a moan of appreciation and opened her eyes again. “Maybe I shouldn’t have offered you a drink,” Tracey quipped, laughing.

  “No,” Angie declared. “I’m not a lush or anything. I just have an acute appreciation, that’s all.”

  “I see. Your brother has an acute appreciation, also.”

  “Don’t I know it? We get it from our mother, who swears to this day she can’t drink.” Tracey asked her why. “ ’Cause Dad can’t and God forbid she out-man Dad.”

  They both laughed over that as Tracey’s phone rang. She answered it. “Hey, Moni. What’s up?… Hmm, probably around six….” She cleared her throat. “Can’t…studying…all right, see you tomorrow.”

  “Monica?” Rett prompted. Tracey nodded. Angie knew he wanted to meet this friend of Tracey’s as she had met his sister. Tracey had told him no. Angie glanced back and forth between them, sensing the tension.

  “Are you pressuring Tracey to shout from the mountain top that you’re her boyfriend again?” she asked her brother. He didn’t say anything. Tracey didn’t say anything.

  * * *

  As much as Tracey and Rett were probably hoping for Angie’s appearance not to interrupt the dynamic of their relationship, it had. She called often. She came over even more often. And she learned more about Tracey and vice versa than either of them had predicted. Tracey figured out that part of the insane banter Angie spewed out all the time was just her sense of humor. She learned that whenever Angie felt bad about something she’d done or said, she tried to do something right away to fix it, like the charm she’d given Tracey that night. Angie learned that Tracey had traveled all over the world and had a story for every occasion. More importantly, she had a subtle, dry way of turning a phase that just had to make you laugh. In the end, Angie knew that though Tracey didn’t want to, she was starting to like the lesser Atkins.

  And Angie really liked her. That was why she worried over the mounting problems between the two.

  One night she came over to work on a final project. They moved the coffee table into the spare room so she could spread out on the floor. In five minutes her supplies were all over the place, from foam core board to epoxy to a T-square. With her hair held fast in a tortoiseshell clip and her wire-rimmed glasses slipping on her nose as she bent over her work, Angie figured she looked damn scholastic.

  In the middle of working on the project, she looked up at Tracey. “I don’t suppose you have a three-millimeter technical drawin’ pencil anywhere in the house?” She screwed up her nose hopefully.

  “No.” Tracey shook her head. “Unfortunately, I don’t.”

  “Mine’s broken and I just can’t work with it anymore. I’m gonna have to go to the ANM. You need anything?”

  “No. Garrett,” Tracey called to him. He was in the bedroom watching a court case broadcast on public television.

  “Yeah, baby?” he called back and came down the hall to join them in the living room.

  “You need anything from the store? Angie’s going.”

  “Which one?”

  “The ANM.”

  “Actually I need to pick up a case for Monday. I’ll ride with you, Angie.” He went back down
the hall, then reappeared wearing sneakers, a jacket, and a navy baseball cap.

  “You want to come, Tracey?”

  Angie noted how Tracey looked at them. She tried to imagine what she was seeing. Rett looked the preppie frat boy, as usual, but probably more so next to Angie, who looked deceptively normal in her studious glasses and Penn State sweatshirt.

  “No, thanks, sweetie, but you can bring back a loaf of bread. We’re almost out.”

  He goaded her. “Come on, Tracey. It’ll be fun.”

  “Garrett,” she answered warily, “really, I don’t feel like it.”

  “You know what, Tracey? Screw it,” he lashed out. Then he shook his head and spat out, “As if anything would ever be any different with you. Look, I’m not sure I’ll be back tonight.” He stalked out of the door.

  Angie followed him but turned back to Tracey to mouth, “I’ll talk to him.”

  Tracey only nodded at her.

  Outside Angie started in on him. “At least you could have given some warning. All I knew was that one minute you were asking her to go, the next you were teasing her about it, and in the next, you were so mad you were turning red and looking like you wanted to kill her. I know how much stress you’re under, but was all that necessary?”

  “You don’t understand,” he grumbled.

  “Then enlighten me.”

  Rett swiped at his eyes, but thankfully Angie didn’t mention the glistening tears.

  “It just seems like this is getting old fast.”

  “What? Being in love with her?”

  Surprisingly, Rett nodded.

  “That’s not even the hard part.” Angie knew he needed support, but it had to be said.

  Tracey was in the same position when they got back. Angie came in with a smile for support. Rett followed her with a frown. He didn’t say a word to Tracey. He just plunked the loaf of bread he was carrying down on the kitchen counter, and went back into the bedroom.

  Angie settled on the floor again. “He’ll be all right.”

  “But, I—”

  “Listen, Tracey. I talked to him. He loves you. No matter what I used to believe, I don’t think anything could change that. He’ll be all right.”